July 2021 – The First Confrontation

In July 2021, I had professional photos taken of myself for the first time. It was my first conscious and deliberate confrontation with my body. Before the shoot I was nervous – I had already lost quite a bit of weight, but I was still at around 230 kg. By that point, at least, I had been able to stop taking beta blockers, and my cardiovascular system had calmed down somewhat.

My original idea was radical: I wanted these pictures to instil a disgust for my own body – hoping that this would keep me from eating and motivate me to lose more weight. At the same time, it was important to me that the photos had a certain quality. So I hired a professional photographer.

The result surprised me. Instead of revulsion or rejection, I felt something entirely different: sympathy. I liked the person I saw in the photos – with all their weaknesses, but also with a tangible strength. It was the first time I found myself somehow quite okay. Maybe even a little good.

I never lost sight of my goal to keep losing weight. But I understood that self-acceptance and change are not a contradiction. On the contrary: for me, they have belonged together ever since.